October

Just checking in to, I don't know, let everybody know that I'm alive, I guess
I didn't write a Journal during September, oops
...
I did write that chaotic prose in lieu of a Journal, I guess~
It doesn't really count as an update about life, I suppose, but more of an update about my "feelings"
It certainly wasn't an update about my art I'm sorry I have nothing to report in that area...
When I get a place to live, I'm sure I'll have more time for it. I'll also have more access to materials, as right now, 99% of my stuff is packed away in storage. It's a real bummer, tbh.
Ah, well.
As for the "chaotic prose" update, it was heavily inspired by a really bad series of triggers that week, which I could explain in detail on my other account. Or, rather, I would explain in detail, if I thought anybody cared about the details. It's mostly stuff I've written about before, and I don't feel that it needs to be explained too much anyway~

As for the trigger that prompted me to write it, there was an argument with my sperm donor, in which he did something very... "cruel", which is included in the chaotic writing, I believe. (It makes me cry so I try not to re-read it, which is also why it is awful, and why I never come up with good emotional writings and such). But he literally - I'm not exaggerating - left the room at one point, to write "PTSD" on a sticky note, and then pin it to me and say "Here I am, giving you PTSD :D You have it now!".
...
It's like if you pushed a paraplegic down the stairs and said "See, NOW you have a reason to use that wheelchair!"
Then, while I started dissociating, he made some sarcastic comment, like "What are you going to do, put a couple bullets in me?" and in that moment, when he violated my personal space and made fun of a mental illness that he literally raised in me, I could have unloaded an entire clip into him, if given the chance, so I don't know why he would joke about such a thing.

Prior to that, his rant had been rather funny, the same way that slapstick comedy is, I suppose
A real trainwreck in the making.
Because of it, my friends and I have a new running joke that whenever we make a really dumb mistake, or do something stupid, we have to exclaim "It's because I have all those damn plants!" and I wish I could explain more, because it's hilarious, but I wrote about it the night that it happened, and my sperm donor's ranting has escaped me by this point, alas
...
I'm going to find the original writing on Facebook, eventually
Probably
...
*disappears for 20 minutes to search Facebook*
HOT DAMN I POST A LOT
...
So here's what went down:




People are always asking me why I can't stand my biological father, and I had a "conversation" with him yesterday that I think sums it up pretty well, so I'm going to recount it to the best of my ability:

Me: Hi I just came by because I found this box that I can pack more of my stuff in, since you're always complaining that there's still stuff left around your house, but I'll pack it in here and move it into my storage unit

My Father: See, you see what this is??? This is just another sign that you're mentally retahded. You know, mental retahdation runs in my family. I'm pretty sure my sister is retahded!!! She tells everyone she has that "depression" bullshit and she sleeps a lot, and you know what else??? She has plants! She likes PLANTS! Like you, you like plants, you have all those damn plants. It's just PROOF that you're retahded! It runs in my family, you know, you get the retahded from my sister!! That's how I know you lied at the hospital, yeah, you lied, because if you told the truth they'd've figued out you're actually just mentally retahded! That medical book is full of lies because if it had the truth, they'd know you're retahded and give you the help you need, not that PTSD bullshit, because I have a friend who lost his leg and went to war!!! And HE doesn't have PTSD!!! And you know, one time in second grade, your teacher told us you were retahded, and we told her she was a fuckin liar because our kid couldn't be retahded!!! But she was right, I know that now, because you have that depression bullshit, and you have all those plants

...
So that's what I've dealt with for, well, as long as I've known him
Lately, I find that the more open I am about my life, the more support I've gotten for all that I've been through.
Like finally reaching out to the hospital this summer, and such...
I'm working on my life and removing toxic people, and it's a slow process, but it's nice to see people respond with encouragement and love in the face of those few toxic people who still try to destroy me.
And for the several people who do, it's honestly like?? You're a fifty year old man??? You're not in high school anymore??? Why does making fun of ill human beings make you feel better about yourself??? Nobody's like "Wow, that fifty year old man is so cool when he gives his abuse victim a flashback." Literally no one. Just like nobody thought it was cool when he took lunch money from the smaller kids, or beat them up behind the school, or anything else his "type" does.
...
I could rant about this all night, but that's not why I'm here.
Faced with my impending mortality, I've made so many changes lately that are unreal. I don't even care if nobody's reading by this point, the "positive" message of my life struggle, because it's still a victory of mine even if no one shares it. Lately, I've been powering through my depression. I'll admit that my time in the hospital was rocky, and it plunged me deeper into depression than ever. But it also brought to light the fact that, I've been given this one life, and I can do with it, practically whatever I want, until I die or others forcibly cause that to happen.
I'm going on a trip to Illinois soon, which I know I've mentioned before, to countless people, although it's been in the works for so long that I can't quite remember if I've mentioned it on this account. I thought, what's stopping me from making this trip that I've been wanting to make for years? Literally nothing, aside from regular technical difficulties and the overall issue of money. But, as my apartment search has continued to be as fruitless as ever, I have enough savings to make the Journey, I believe, so long as nothing major occurs.
I also made peace with someone I haven't spoken to in about four years. I accidentally spoke to them during what one of my friends has affectionately referred to as my "drug haze" (details on my other account; it's quite the story). I didn't seek them out, instead they came into the place I work, and we were forced to make awkward small talk coming through my register line. The fact that I was tripping absolute balls probably had an effect on our conversation, so I reached out to make amends. They saw the message, but never responded, which I told them was fine. I was hoping I wouldn't regret the decision... And I don't.
I also reached out to another being. Anyone remember Tigerlily? The manipulative, immature ex? Yes... I reached out to them as well. Asked how they were. DIDN'T ask for my phone back, alas. But they did say that they're doing well; finally graduated and off to the work force~
There is one more friend I somewhat want to reach out to, but... I'm not sure how? I technically have access to her Facebook account (she has one of mine blocked, and the other left unblocked, for some unknown reason) and also her DeviantART unblocked.... I see her pics on Facebook all the time, as she is still friends with one of my friends (she has, for whatever reason, cut off practically everyone in her life except for this one person, as well as her boyfriend/fiance, I do believe he is now?) Anyway, it's been about a year... I'm not sure there's been enough time for her to mature, yet, as she ended our friendship over the silliest argument, and refused to meet up in person and talk about it. I figure, my friendship didn't mean very much to her in the first place, even though we were friends from eighth grade until well into college. (For me, at least, as she dropped out after freshman year).
...I'm rambling at this point.
All I have to say, is that, I am tying up many loose ends in my life.
Not necessarily for the end of my life, oh no
But perhaps
Maybe
Just
Maybe

A new beginning